Losing My Soulmate to the Church

Woman Heartbreak

by Lori McAllister

Submitted to Affirmation following The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint’s reversal of their November 2015 policy changes that prohibited children of LGBTQ parents from being blessed and baptized and characterized members of the church entering into same-sex marriages as apostates. These changes became known within the LGBTQ Mormon community as the “exclusion policy,” “policy of exclusion,” or “PoX.” The day after the reversal of this policy was announced, Nathan Kitchen, President of Affirmation, invited anyone willing to and share their authentic feelings and all their stories of grief, anger, relief, sadness, happiness, confusion, whatever they may be that surround the rescinding this policy. “As President of Affirmation, I want to be sure Affirmation does not hide you or your stories as we move forward,” wrote Kitchen in his invitation. If you have reactions or a story to share about the reversal of the exclusion policy, please send to [email protected]. You can also read other stories and reactions to the reversal of the exclusion policy.

I am so beyond hurt and mad. I am gay and was raised Mormon. I was happy and in love, possibly with my soulmate, but she decided she has to prove her love and obedience to God and live by the Law of Chastity (and all of the Mormon) rules. In a timespan of only two hours, she went from telling me not to worry and how happy she was and then following an interview with her bishop, she tells me she has to go back to church fully and completely.

Why would the Spirit be that strong, strong enough for her to believe that our relationship was wrong and she needs to be alone and celibate for the rest of her life? I just can’t wrap my head around it or accept that an all-loving God would make us gay then tell us that we have to remain alone our entire lives to prove our love and obedience to him.

I know we all have trials but this one seems unreasonable and just cruel. She was mad at God and didn’t pray for 4 years, while I did. I still prayed every day, and I still do. We were happy when she wasn’t praying, but the day she starts praying again and has an interview with her bishop she is taken from me. Why? It makes me feel that I was just a test or trial from Satan that she failed. Our being together seemed like fate. But how can we get opposing answers to our prayers about our relationship? It just doesn’t make sense. I am truly heartbroken on so many levels. I am not going to remain single and celibate and I can’t be with her.

2 thoughts on “Losing My Soulmate to the Church

  1. I have been in a similar situation recently. The woman I initially became friends with and later became my girlfriend, after 2 years of being together broke it off with me.

    She was my twin flame and our connection was unnervingly natural. For the whole 2 years she went to church every week and watched general conference. She did abstain from taking the sacrament and attending the temple too.

    I really couldn’t wrap my head around continued church attendance either. Our whole relationship was during the time when practicing gays were considered apostates.

    At 40 years old I was her first everything. She also never told her family or friends what the significance of our relationship was. And I’m the kind of person who believes it’s not my place to tell someone’s story for them.

    It was beautiful in a lot of ways, and in other ways harder than I realized. I have a lot of gratitude for the time we had together. I was reminded of the possibilities in life. I was crushed when she said she was holding me back and and that I deserved more, when at the time I wanted all of that with her.

    It sucked. I did a lot of ugly crying. I grieved. Eventually I forced myself to start dating again just to get out of my comfort zone. I met some interesting people who after a few dates ghosted me. I met one woman who was pretty crazy. And then, defeated I met my now girlfriend who is a million times a better fit for me and my life.

    I wouldn’t have met my current girlfriend without my prior one breaking it off with me. I still wonder how my ex is doing (we don’t talk anymore because she was still in love with me and torn between love and religion). I still hope that someday, maybe decades from now even, she’ll fully accept, love, and embrace who she is and spend some of her years with another love.

    I firmly believe that we are made for love and that “God” doesn’t make mistakes. Me being lesbian isn’t a mistake. It serves a greater purpose to embody love in all it’s forms. I am love, and I am designed to learn in relationships.

    I promise someday, you’ll be alright. For now, feel as you go and honor where you are. Darkness is often the space of faith and creation. You will eventually grow brighter from the experiences. Please know, you are not alone. You are loved unconditionally simply because you exist.

    And if you want a supportive tribe, there’s a great LBGTQ & allies healing group every 2nd Thursday night at 7:30 p.m. at Awaken Wellness in Ogden.

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